"One of life's best coping mechanisms is to know the difference between an inconvenience and a problem. If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you've got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience. Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. A lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in the breast are not the same kind of lump. One needs to learn the difference."
- Robert Fulghum -

That Robert Fulghum is a pretty cool guy. If you read my first entry ever, you'll know that I like his writing a lot. (My username even came from one of his quotes.) I don't know, he just seems like a wise person. Wise in the sense of understanding life and all that jazz.

Anyway, I feel like I've been complaining lately. Too much. I caught myself today and actually remembered the above quote, which has always been one of my favorites. It's just a reminder of how much we take for granted. You never really know how good you have it until you actually have serious problems. Yet, we all complain about mere conveniences in the meantime. I think I've just made such a habit of complaining I don't even mean it any more. It's just a way to have conversation, and, quite frankly, it's lame. There are so many better things about which I could be talking. Like goldfish or something.

So, that's my quest of self-improvement at the moment. No, not to talk more about goldfish. To realize that my "problems" are rare, and I should be grateful for that. To remember how lucky I am. To stop complaining about stupid things and accept life for what it is: "lumpy."

Have a good day.

"What if you slept, and what if in your sleep you dreamed, and what if in your dream you went to heaven and there you picked a strange and beautiful flower, and what if when you awoke you had the flower in your hand? Ah, what then?"
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge -

Warning: This is long. Very long.

This new nightmare contest that's around on Xanga has me interested. I'm not going to do it, simply because I don't have a really scary dream to share, but I was sifting through the comments on someone's entry and reading what others shared about their dreams. As I was reading, I couldn't help but think "Oh! That must mean that you're feeling [whatever] in real life!" or "Maybe that's representative of the fact that you [whatever]." I think it's the literature nerd in me, prying its way out of my brain to try and analyze and find symbolism and metaphor. I honestly have no idea about the scientific aspects of dreaming and psychology, but I think it's interesting to speculate and talk about them.

My dreams are few and far between, but mostly come around times when I have a certain emotion in high concentration. Ex: stress. I've never experienced a prophetic dream. (Nor would I want to. Some unsettling things happen in my dreams, man. Let me tell you.) I have dreamed lucidly before, which in theory is awesome, but isn't so awesome when the situation in your dream is just as restrictive as real life. Oh, and I rarely remember my dreams. I only do when I tell myself in my dream to do so. But then again, I may do that all the time and just don't remember. Who knows?

Side note: Does anyone else really wish there were a synonym for dream? I feel like I've said it twelve million times in this entry.

A few weeks ago, I had a really frightening sleep imagery experience. Lol. Just kidding. Dream. And, for once in my life, I remembered every detail of it. I can still play it in my head almost as vividly as if I were asleep right now. It came at at time of great stress/excitement (I was in a show that weekend), which is probably why it's so bizarre. I suppose I'll share, just because it's funny. I should preface it by saying that I fell asleep the night before while the History Channel was playing. Don't judge me. And that will be relevant later, I promise. All right.

My Dream
The first thing I remember was being with this kid (who I've never seen/met in real life). He was about sixteen, and we were betrothed to be married. After some superfluous events, we reached our wedding day. However, at the altar (which I was seeing from above, yet was standing on it at the same time) I decided I couldn't go through with being married. I'm still in high school for heaven's sake! I also did not know this boy's name, which even dream logic says is necessary for a healthy marriage. So, I ran up a nearby hill and sat with my mom on some bleachers. Below us there was a mass scramble of people, who were presumably my wedding guests in an uproar over my departure. I was too upset to worry about them though. I told my mom that I had to run away. I couldn't marry a boy I didn't know. She said many motherly things to console me. After I felt better, I decided I had better go an apologize to my intended. He hadn't done anything wrong. I mean, he was a sweet kid, I guess. I just wasn't in love with him and didn't want to be married. 

So, I walked down the hill to the top of something that looked like a subway stairway. He was down there. I just wanted to go in, apologize, and leave. I'd already done enough damage. However, I was met at the top of the stairs by his father, who was less than pleased with me. He told me I was a disgrace, I was a scar on his family's name, and I had broken his son's heart. I pleaded with him, saying that those were the reasons I wanted to apologize to his son. Then he told me that his son was unconscious, which was my fault. By then I was hysterical. All I wanted to do was say sorry. After being pushed to the brink of tears, I literally pushed past him and ran into the room of my former fiancee. (For the record, I would never do that in real life. Push my fiancee's father, I mean.) There he was, laying on a bed, seemingly unconscious. I knew I had little time, but I knelt beside his bed and apologized. He didn't respond, but he was breathing, so I figured I should go.

When I emerged from the room, I was in the fine arts wing of my school, which is where the show was that weekend. In real life, I had to make a short speech at the end and thank everyone for coming. And in my dream, someone came running up to me saying "You have to get onstage! You must go make your speech!" But dream self was still upset over her almost-wedding. But dream self is a trooper, so she went. On my way to my place, I saw one of my friends on crutches. I ran over to her and said something like "GASP. WHAT HAPPENED?"

She told me she'd been trampled at my wedding.

Which in real life I find hysterical. But in my dream I was so sorry for her. My stupid cold feet had led to her injury. Man, I was really apologizing hardcore in this night R.E.M. session (Ugh. I'm trying.) She told me that she was the sorry one. Before I could ask why, she walked onstage and announced that the trial would begin shortly. "Trial?" I thought. "What is this? I have to make my speech. Isn't this the show? Hello?"

I walked onstage and saw that the audience was full. There was also a courtroom set up behind me, complete with a judge behind the bench. He read from a piece of paper. "Here is [our defendant]. She is brought before the court today to be charged for various crimes, including breaking the heart of her beloved, fleeing the altar, and inciting a riot resulting in the injury of several people." Two of which aren't legal crimes, as far as I know. Dream self was terrified though. And then things got worse.

They wheeled out a guillotine. Yes, the national razor stood before me. Mind you, in real life at this time, as I'm face to face with dream death, there is a History Channel documentary playing about the French Revolution on my television. A word of advice: don't fall asleep with the T.V. on. Especially the History Channel. Just don't.

Anyway, the judge ruled that I was guilty. Then, as I'm stressing over the verdict, he sent some minions to bring a man onstage, a robber from jail, I believe, and presented us both to the audience. Then, he asked the audience who he would rather see die, the old man or me. (Apparently, my subconscious was running out of material and decided to plagiarize the Bible.) At this point, I started crying. I hadn't done anything! I suppose my tears won me some pity, because they chose the other man. But I couldn't let him die for this. He was already serving his punishment, and was only involved because of my apparent wrongdoing. I was yelling at the judge's minions as they prepared him for the guillotine, saying, "Don't kill him! He's already being punished. He has nothing to do with me." The judge, who heard me, told his men to back down, and they took him away unharmed.

Just then, school ended, and I left the theater and started walking in the hallway to go home. On my way, I saw one of my friends. We were in the stairwell. Then, I believe my subconscious was getting bored with my situation and decided to make me feel guilty again. I don't know why, but I began to apologize to my friend endlessly. I'd done something to wrong him, but I couldn't tell you what it was. Dream self knows.

My friend seemed hurt, making me feel worse. Gosh, my subconscious really delights in seeing me apologize. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of "I'm sorries," my friend said "If you were really sorry, you'd walk home with me and scrape the snow and ice off the path in front of me as I walk."

The end.

I know, I know. My mind is seriously messed up. But this dream is really entertaining to tell. I told the people who were in it and they thought it was hysterical. Especially the one who wanted me to scrape the path before him. I think it's really fun to analyze it too. I looked up getting married on a dream symbol site, just to see if my subconscious is telling me I have commitment issues or something.

Dreaming that you are getting married can mean:
You'd like to have a wedding (just the event itself)
You'd like to be in a marriage with someone
You're feeling "on the spot" or the center of attention somehow in real life
You're reflecting on the closeness you have or had in a certain romantic relationship (past or present)

As of right now, I'd say the third one might apply. I also looked up guillotine/beheading, just because that was really frightening.

Dreaming of a beheading can mean you are feeling like your identity is being threatened in real life. The head would represent your personality, or who you are.

I guess nobody actually was actually beheaded in my dream, so that one doesn't apply as well. Some other things I searched:

Being on trial can mean you're feeling subject to scrutiny or judgment by others somehow in your real life. You may also have done something you could get in trouble for or that will bring you bad karma. Take inventory of any irresponsible or dishonest things you've done and make amends (apologize or take other action to make things right).

Being on stage can represent a feeling of self-consciousness, being observed, or being especially concerned about others' opinions about you.

Interesting, no? I suppose some of that could be true. Dreams are strange like that. I wish they could invent something that allows you to record them. I think mine would make a pretty good movie.

Have you ever had a dream as vivid or memorable as this one? Did you incite a riot and survive a biblical/French Revolution execution trial? Haha, just kidding. But really, do you think there's any truth to dream analysis? I think there could be.

If you actually read this entire entry, I give you many claps/virtual hugs.

Until next time, sweet dreams.
(Lol. I had to.)

I've been insanely busy since Thanksgiving, resulting in a bit of Xanga failure on my part. Hopefully after the holidays I'll be able to get back on track with this blogging business.

But for today, I just felt compelled to write a post wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. If you don't celebrate Christmas, I really hope you're having a great day today and are enjoying the holiday season.

I've always loved Christmastime, mostly because it's one of the few times of year my entire family gets together. For some reason we've never been too big on family functions/gatherings outside of the holidays, so it's nice to see everyone together in good spirits. I love the feel of the season, the music, the stories, et cetera. I'm also a Christian, though I could probably use some work on my devoutness. But I feel a sort of renewal in my faith around Christmastime, and a special connection to God that is easiest for me to recognize during Christmas.

All of that aside, though those things are very important to me, I have yet to mention my absolute favorite part about Christmas. You see, at times I forget my cynical self and become all idealistic. Normally, in the self-centered society we inhabit, my hopes of a more patient and kinder humankind are squashed. I still have faith in people of course, even though we have flaws. Major flaws. And I see good in the world all year round. But at Christmastime, I feel like everyone else joins in my little idealistic world. And I love it.

Yesterday, I was finishing some last minute Christmas shopping with my father. We bought someone in our family luggage, which if you didn't know, comes in rather large boxes. Thus, my father decided to drive the car up to the front door of Macy's for me to load the luggage, saving me from carrying across the parking lot. When he arrived, I realized that opening the door was not going to happen, as I couldn't see over this blasted box. Frustrated, I was about the set it on the floor, when a stranger stepped up beside me and grabbed the door for me. After I was through, he grabbed the next one and wished me a Merry Christmas. I returned the greeting and got in the car.

Now, maybe this man is just naturally courteous. But I know most people, on a normal day, wouldn't bother themselves to open both doors for a struggling teenage girl. Not because they're mean or rude, but mostly because they're too busy or rushed. For some reason, Christmas has the power to slow everyone down for a little while, which is something I love about the season. On the other hand, it brings stress of its own. But I think the fact that the holidays bring about moments that make you think, "Wow, there is hope for this world." is pretty neat.

Every year on the day before Christmas vacation, my teacher gives a lesson on the Christmas Truce that occurred during WWI. If you don't know the story, here's what went down. Basically, on Christmas Eve/Day in 1914, British and German soldiers fighting on the Western Front decided to disobey orders and cease fire. They sang Christmas songs, paid respects to the dead, exchanged drinks and gifts, and even played some rousing games of soccer. From what I understand, their superiors were beyond pissed. And like, two days later, the fighting started again, which would probably make some people scoff and ask what the point was. But I still think it's an awesome story. And it reinforces the idea I love about Christmas, that I think everyone, regardless of background, can appreciate.

Peace on Earth and Goodwill Toward Men.

Again, Merry Christmas.

Love,
Shan

This is kind of a long story.
And it kind of doesn't have an ending yet.
But here we go.

Since the start of this school year, I've been in a sort of funk. Mind you, I think the word funk is really gross-sounding, unless you're talking about some really stellar music, but  it's the best word I can think of to how I've been feeling. I don't want to bore you with my high school woes, but it's basically a case in which last year was amazing. An era of good feelings, if you will. (Holla to my fellow U.S. history lovers. And for clarification, my era of good feelings had far fewer downsides than Monroe's.) And then we come to this year.

Long story short, I feel like things have changed. Not necessarily for the worse, but not for the better. I was very emotionally invested into a lot of things that happened last year. Many of my friends, and even just people who were comforting and fun to have around, peaced out for postsecondary life. Luckily, my two best friends are still here. One, who was around during the "era of good feelings," is sort of sharing in my funk-age. We're both just kind of...blah. The other one is just starting high school. Until now, we've been like sisters. We're still close and all, but she's for sure changing. School itself is getting harder. More pressure automatically translates into more stress for me. There have been other difficult occurrences and reminders as well. Just daily slaps in the face that bring me down in one way or another. I understand that these things happen, it's just kind of overwhelming to deal with at once.

There's something about this year that is just very numbing. It's almost colorless. Nothing's really exciting right now, and things that used to bring me joy have become a sort of chore. I'm so much more pessimistic than usual. And I get so frustrated with myself for being a downer. I don't want to be this way. One, because there are so many people who have it so much worse than me, and people who are ungrateful irk me to no end. Two, I can't really pinpoint about what I'm upset. Three, it's not like me at all. I've always been a generally happy person. People used to always comment on my infectious good nature. Also, being so affected by everything that happens, even miniscule hindrances, is so different from my usual self. I'm certainly not going to explain my entire life story, but I can tell you that I've been fairly resilient. And the things I've survived before this are certainly more drastic than a mere matter of having the blues for a while.

Again, I'm sorry for boring you. I also apologize for taking so long to answer the question. What was it again?

What's something you learned recently that you should have known for a long time?

Well, I guess in this case, "rediscovered" or "realized" would be more accurate than "learned" because this is certainly something I've known all my life. Just yesterday though, I was discussing the whole this-year-is-lame-woe-is-me situation with the aforementioned best friend who's in the same boat. And I reached an epiphany. Basically, I remembered that there are some times when you just kind of have to push yourself. There are going to be things that you cannot change, and wallowing in misery does absolutely nothing about them. If you want to make yourself happy, you need to do just that. "Make" implies some sort of action, does it not? Sitting in my funk lamenting about my current situation will not accomplish anything. Dwelling on the past does nothing. Yeah, things are kind of a fail right now. But there is no magic fairy who's going to swoop in and make them good again.

So, I've "learned" or "rediscovered" or "realized" that I have to quit it. And by "it" I mean doing nothing to make myself happy again. I have to brush myself off and stop sitting here. I have to remember every day that I am so lucky and am blessed in more ways than I know. I have to stop comparing my life to those of others, and to my own of days gone by. I have to be grateful. I have to try to remember that my worries should come in absolutely last place, and problems of such minimal importance should by no means should consume my life. I have to make a conscious effort to change my attitude and perspective until I'm my non funk-ified self again. I've only a couple years left of high school and I certainly don't want to spend them as a miserable, whining, ungrateful fool. So that ends...now. Will it be easy? Absolutely not. Will I do it? Absolutely.

What have I learned?
Basically, as usual, Gandhi said it best.
"We need to be the change we wish to see in the world."

Even when that world is just your own.
As for the rest of it, I'll get there as soon as possible.

I apologize if this entry was annoying or boring. Believe me, I kind of agree. I'm a very dull person, and my worries are exceptionally mundane. Again, my apologies. I promise I'm working on it.
I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

A few weeks ago in English we spent time reading portions of Ben Franklin's biography. One of the parts that really hit home with me was his list of thirteen virtues he used as a guide to become a better person. As someone who is a borderline-fanatical list maker, I was like, "HEY! RIGHT ON, BEN!" Haha, no I wasn't. But I definitely thought the method by which he tried to better himself was interesting. The method of laying things out in order, seeing what needs to be fixed, and recording them in order to track his progress toward achieving high character. Of course, list making isn't for everyone, but I thought it was an interesting, practical approach to go about achieving his goal. Funny guy, that Ben Franklin.

So, here is his list. (He aimed pretty high.)

1. Temperance: Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2. Order: Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

3. Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

4. Frugality: Make no expense but do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

5. Moderation: Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

6. Industry: Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

8. Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

9. Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

10. Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

11. Justice: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

12. Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace of reputation.

13. Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Again, not for everybody. This was simply Franklin's method to achieving what he believed to be "moral perfection." Anyway. After discussing and reading this, our English teacher, being the sly fellow that he is, asked us to come up with a virtue we believe should be added to the list, and he required a description/explanation of it like the ones on the actual list. Joy. Anyway. I contemplated. And thought. And pondered. And tried to not think about the fact that I was wasting time thinking of a virtue while I had three other papers to write. And finally, I came up with this:

Passion: Feel strongly about something; apathy is dangerous.

I'm a firm believer in this sentiment. I believe everyone should care about something, whether it be work, family, a hobby, faith, an interest, a person, a relationship, or whatever else their heart desires. Passion fosters drive and inspiration. Passion creates a base on which life can be built, and can serve as a guide to success. Without passion, there is apathy. And with a person's apathy in all regards of life normally comes the idea of letting others/outside influences choose a person's course because, quite frankly, they don't care. I'm not a fan of that philosophy. I think everyone deserves something about which they can feel strongly, and they deserve to care enough to make their own choices. Of course, this is just my opinion. But in my opinion, life is much more bearable with a passion to see you through.

Of course, everyone is different. Maybe you disagree with Ben. Maybe you disagree with me. Totally fine. But I do have a question for anyone reading. I.e., I'm playing English teacher. If you had been given this assignment, what would be the virtue of your choice? Descriptions, please! I'm interested.

Have a good night, everyone.